I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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