1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
