I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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