you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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