Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
did you just send me my own nude
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
