The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
