Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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