You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
