new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
