How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
