The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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