i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
