I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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