Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
