Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize