I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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