She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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