I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
cat food counts as protein by the way
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
