She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
