So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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