just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
