I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
