This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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