i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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