She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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