i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
