I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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