I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
