how can u be prego again
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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