he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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