So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
