I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize