I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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