We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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