forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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