it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize