he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
did i just pee glitter
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
