I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
