I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize