Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize