Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize