somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
this is an emotional support booty call
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
