Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just gift wrapped bread.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
