Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize