your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
