and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
