She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
