Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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