If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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