Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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