You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
