I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
