just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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