you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
