K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
im holly from the hills drunk
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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