I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
