Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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