the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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