hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
