I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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