i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Do vagina's smell?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
